Q&A
No taboo topics - just honest questions and answers
Elisabeth Sherwin, Ph.D.
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Q: As the spouse of an individual who sustained an acquired brain injury, how can I deal with these feelings of lost intimacy?

A: This is a tough one and there are no easy answers. I think the first step is recognizing that you have and are suffering a loss. I have two suggestions. First, join a support group, ideally one for spouses of survivors. They will be in the best position to understand the limbo you live in — neither widow nor wife (or widower or husband). However, if such a support group is not available in your area, and starting one is not an option, I would suggest that you seek a counselor to talk to. Most churches offer some counseling. However, these are delicate matters and talking to someone who is not familiar may be a lot easier.

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Q: Do individuals with acquired brain injury lose their sexuality and feelings of intimacy?

A: No no no no no ...... Even if the injury has left the survivor in the mental capacity of a child, he or she will experience some sexual feelings and definitely a desire for the comfort and warmth of love. However, the sexuality of a 6-7 year old is nothing like that of an adolescent. Certainly, survivors will experience these emotions in different forms. We are — from birth— sexual beings. How we express that and what satisfies those feelings is what changes.

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Q: My husband, who is currently in a residential rehabilitation program, would like to resume an intimate relationship with me. How should I respond?

A: I think there are two issues here: (1) are you comfortable, willing, and interested in resuming such a relationship? And, (2) is this good and/or timely for your spouse? The first part is your decision. You may be quite unprepared to share such a relationship with a spouse who has changed, you may feel scared of this new person, and/or you may feel that your caretaker role precludes or preempts such a relationship. Do not let anyone tell you what you should feel or what course of action is right for you. The treatment team may be able to help, but I would recommend seeking an outside source (a counselor perhaps) that can help you clarify these complex feelings. When you are clear about what you want, I would discuss it with the treatment team. If your spouse has raised the matter with you, he has raised it with them. The team will be able to help you gather information regarding the implications of your decision for your spouse and then help you share it with your spouse in the most effective and safe manner.

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Q: Even though my son, who is at a program for treatment for his brain injury, is not sexually active, his treatment team does not discuss any kind of questions he may ask concerning the possibility of an intimate relationship. I do understand that the program establishes guidelines, but I would like to reassure my son that having thoughts about a relationship with someone is not bad. Would it be permissible to relate these feelings to my son’s treatment team?

A: Very much so!!! This is an excellent example of serving as an advocate. And I must say that I disagree with the notion of not discussing such issues. True rehabilitation (or habilitation) is holistic. Obviously a program cannot meet every need, but denying a need exists truly minimizes all concerned. I would recommend preparing in advance the points you would like to make to the team and be prepared to offer some suggestions on ways to address your concerns.

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